time and events are now only categorized before or after my mami's death

grief is a funny, funny thing because i think i mourned my mother more when she was still alive

i refuse to listen to songs because the only thing they will do is make me cry, and if i start i'll never stop. if i think of one thing, it snowballs into another, and right now i can't afford to be stagnant in my misery. of course, i'm not doing anything really productive right now, but i don't know if i'd survive this grief if i thoroughly live it out in my home right now. i've yet to do anything important; cleaning out my mami's room, in fact cleaning the entire house. i'll get to it at some point, but i just can't gather enough motivation for myself.

as i was doomscrolling, i came across a tiktok saying "when one of your parents pass away, nothing else feels that deep anymore." boy, if that wasn't truer! i think it applies not only to situations such as friendships, miniscule grievances, nothing seems that big anymore. the pain and suffering of losing my mama to a disease that for some reason has become a constant word in today's vocabulary is greater than anybody could imagine. yes, there is physical pain that will outweigh anybody's will to live, but the emotional torture that you go through is unimaginable. imagine losing all of your dignity and shame, something that you keep so close to your heart because of your religion and cultural values deeply rooted within you; it's also just human nature to obviously, keep your privates, private. i can't describe to anyone without my voice breaking along with my heart, just everything that my mother has lost, things that she valued so deeply.

along those lines, one word that i think i'll never feel the same about: hope. or more accurately, the lack thereof.